Sick of Pretending

I’m fucking sick of pretending.

I’m not good at being a mother of two.

When I take them both to the shops, it’s not because I’m so great. I take them because it means that I can keep them both in a very small, contained area and it’s ok. It’s actually expected.

It also means I can bribe the child with a donut and everyone smiles at him while he’s covered in sugar and tell me he’s adorable.

I just want one goddamn night’s sleep with no interruptions. I’m sick of dealing with sick children. And being up all night with reflux. And toilet training a child who is adverse to pooing on the toilet.  Is that too much to friggen ask?

Pat goes from one extreme of Hubby of the World to the other. Sometimes he is absolutely amazing, sometimes I just want to yell at him “WHAT ABOUT ME?!? I’M SICK TOO!” Luckily, I can’t complain too much. He is great MOST of the time. Just a little oblivious when it’s most important.

I love my family and I love Pat’s family. But sometimes I wish we could just tell them we don’t want to see anyone, do anything or go anywhere. We’re tired. We don’t get a break to just do nothing despite what you might think. Having two young children while we are young is HARD. There are things I wish we had for our kids (our own house being one) but we just can’t afford it. I’d love to have Dex in swimming lessons and baby dancing and all those other things good parents put their children in. But we don’t have the money and I feel like that makes me not a good parent.

Most nights Pat and I just fall into bed. If I’m lucky we have enough energy to have sex. I refuse to lose that part of our relationship due to being too tired, because sometimes it feels like sex is the only thing I do that doesn’t have something to do with being a mother.

I feel guilty when I wonder if this is what the rest of our life will be like. I love my kids, both of them. With my whole heart. If I didn’t I would possibly have shaken them already so I could just get another fucking hour worth of sleep. But I haven’t and I won’t. Because as much as I sometimes question being a mum and if I’m any good at it, their smiles tell me I must be doing something right.

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13 thoughts on “Sick of Pretending

  1. Adjusting to two is hard, at any age. I had 3 under 4 by the time i was 22. Its good to feel the way you do sometimes, reminds you that your still you and i think we all always want to be better, do better, but sometimes you gotta take a break hun xx

    • Thanks very much. It’s reassuring to know that it’s a normal feeling. I saw my Dr today and was so relieved when he asked me “How are you feeling?” It felt like a weight off my shoulders.

  2. it will not always be this way I promise. I had 3 kids under 3, with my first @21, we couldn’t afford to do a thing. I felt guilty & inadequate all the time when I really shouldn’t have, but you won’t realise that until you are a wise old sage like me. You are a wonderful mother to Dex & Lola xx

  3. Seriously, I could have written this myself. I have a toddler who refuses to poo on the toilet, a baby with reflux and a babydaddy named Pat.
    High five to me & you for not only surviving but being awesome in the process.

    “Every day may not be good, but there is something good in every day.”

    One of my favourite quotes, and I have it on repeat when we’re having a shitty day.
    Hugs to you x

    • There is definitely something good in every day. I get to spend it with my kids. The little moments make all the difference. I’m doing much better today, thank you.

  4. First of all your not a bad parent. Secondly it’s absolutely normal to feel the way your feeling. It might not get better soon but it will adventually. As for money and not living in your own place. I’m right there with you. I did some serious research to find places that were kid friendly and free. Sometimes it’s a half an hour drive but most days it’s worth it! Parks are awesome. Push baby in baby swing, let toddler go wild. The hardest part of the day is leaving. Also find a pool. It may be 3 to 5 dollars a trip but heck it’s worth it. Put both kids in floaties and get some you relax time! If you don’t want to go to a pool find a pool online for cheap (craigslist). Other things I do to keep the kids entertained and me relaxed and fit is to go on walks. Walks are the only me time I get. They sit in the stroller and are entertained by everything around them. I get some peace & quiet to myself!!

    Hope at least one of these tips are helpful! I’m daily trying to find things to keep a 2 and almost 1 year old entertained and me sane 😉 If you ever need any more ideas don’t hesitate to ask!

    J

    • Will definitely start going for walks. There are heaps of national forests around where I live, I should start making the most of them!
      As for the pool, I LOVED taking Dex there, haven’t been in a little while though because of having Lola, need to start getting back into it =]

  5. I feel like I could have written this post too! Only I am old (40) and have a 3 year old who won’t poo on the toilet or sleep, or brush her teeth or hair or get dressed, and a 5 month old who is just plain adorable. I totally get going out so you can contain and bribe them. It’s fucking hard. It’s so obvious that you are doing an amazing job. x
    ANd congrats on the new domain!!

    • I’m glad I’m not the only one who goes out to contain/bribe the kids. I hope things pick up for you soon too – esp. the pooing and sleeping!

      Thanks about the domain, bit exciting.
      (now if I can just remember my password to get in…)

  6. So I’m 34, a bit older, but STILL have the same feelings. You are not alone and not a bad Mum for feeling that way. I think all Mum’s feel like that at least at some time but rarely speak out about it as they don’t want unfair judgement. I have a 2.5 year old and a 15week old. My toddler is toilet training too, an although the will sit on the toilet or potty, ax soon as she gets pants or bottoms from her she’ll just soil her pants instead, so it’s constant vigilance!
    I feel terrible that my baby does not get anywhere near the attention that my first born got. He is left to cry – whilst I deal with Miss E the toddler. This I feel so bad about. I am slowly turning to more & more formula topups than BF’ing as I am sick of his fussing on the breast, then feel terrible and that I should be trying harder since I BF my daughter until she self-weaned. If he wakes more than usual in the night I get frustrated cause I am so tired.

    I’m actually avoiding going out as much as we used to due to Miss E’s tantrums. They are slowly on the improve (rewards chart is working wonders) but I seriously got sick of people looking at me like I was kidnapping my own child (put me down!! I don’t want to go!! Etc.) so again poor baby boy isn’t getting anywhere near the social interaction that my girl did.

    As far as activities go, have you tried your local library for rock & rhyme or story time? They are free, I took Miss E along from 6 weeks old (again bad Mumma on my part as Master O has never been). Also here in Tassie there are a heap of primary schools that run launching into learning programs. There run from birth to pre-kinder. They are free and have lots of different activities like craft, music, storytime and kindergym. Not sure if they have similar things in other states?

    I love my kids with all my being, but it still doesn’t stop me from feeling this way. Some days all I want to do is cry and sleep. The next day could be brilliant and I feel like the best Mum in the world – in fact I blogged about these very feelings last week so I totally know where you are coming from. It WILL get better!

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