This is me. Yelling. Screaming. Begging.

A couple of weeks ago I asked for help.

When no one in my RL vicinity offered, I actually asked for help. With my mouth. Asked if my parents could look after Dex for a night.

“No.”

And I got cranky. I didn’t even bother getting cranky at Grandad. How would he understand?
He was never the one who was there throughout our childhood apart from the happy moments. He always worked long and hard and when he had the time, played long and hard too.

I kept it inside. Thought about the unfairness of it all because I know if TD’s parents had the option they’d look after Dex in a flash.

I don’t understand why when I ask for help, no one sees what I’m asking.

Most days, I think I’m not cut out to be a mother.
I see the appeal of being a working mum. Go to work. Leave my child to someone who will look after them from 8:30am – 5:30pm. Because it is easier. Because that way, I will be able to have a hot coffee. To have a body that is mine. To not have children hanging off me every fucking minute of every fucking day.
To have an hour of silence. Where neither of them are crying, whinging, wanting something.
Neither of them are snatching things off each other.

I love my children, but fuck I get sick of them some times.

It hurts to write this. It makes me feel like I’ve failed. Failed at what I have wanted to do and be my whole life.
But no one told me it would be this hard.
Lola is still getting up 4 – 5 times a night.
A while ago I wrote this post on Dear Baby G. Nothing has changed really – except Dex sleeps in until about 6. Yay

I ask TD for help and he cleans. Which is great. And I know he works hard. But SO DO I.
I just want help with the kids. Take them, just take them for an hour so I can have an hour to myself.

All of my friends don’t worry so much anymore. I think I have fallen out of the circle with my anxiety enough times that they just let me float back in whenever but it’s not that big of a deal if I disappear. And I do try and stay in the circle. But Why does no one come visit me?
One of my friends told me that she just keeps waiting for it to get hard. And my heart broke a little. Not for her – I’m so happy for her, that she’s not feeling the way I am – but my heart broke a little because I must be doing something wrong.
I don’t feel like that.

I don’t see the value in myself. I don’t see why people would want to spend time with me. Fuck, I didn’t even bother spending my birthday money on me.

I’m just lost. Floundering. Trying to do the things that “good mothers” do. And I’m sure failing half the fucking time.

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22 thoughts on “This is me. Yelling. Screaming. Begging.

  1. There’s no such thing as a ‘good’ mum, not even in fairytales. We all feel like this – the whole parenting gig’s so unrelenting that having time off is essential. Sounds like you really, really need it. Do you have a gym or somewhere nearby with a creche? So you could just go and sit by yourself and have a coffee and just ‘be’?

    Thinking of you xx

  2. I use to feel like this when my older two were little (4 and 2 years old) (my 2 year old was a handful she was always getting in to anything and everything) but after having a third child and getting past the teething stage, things started to settle down. My youngest turned 4, 3 months ago and things couldn’t get any better. I wish i felt this way when my older 2 were little.

    Things will get better and a lot easier..
    Big Hugs to you! xx ((HUGS))

  3. HANG IN THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    it gets easier i promise!! my 2 boys are 21 months apart and for the first 6 months i was drowning. going out was a nightmare the baby was up in the night the oldest had a bad case of the “terrible twos” all i wanted was the same as you just an hour to myself but one day the baby started sleeping through (he still wakes maybe once a week but he is teething) and my 2 year old started to behave!!
    i am even considering having a third although then i think this time next year the boys will be nearly 2 and 3 1/2 life will be even easier. we can go to the pool or beach without needing carload of stuff!!
    i get “my time”by doing the groceries on a sunday morning woohoo!!!
    you are doing a great job your children are gorgeous!!
    ann
    ps love your blog!!

  4. It’s a fucked up place to be. Feeling isolated, alone, and no-one understanding what you are going through. Thinking they’ve “been there done that”, but they haven’t, not in your shoes. Everyone’s shoes are different.

    When my kids were younger it was hard. I went through years of hard. Now they are older, it’s hard. But in a different way.

    I found myself so many times wondering why *I* found it hard, when everyone else was floating around ‘getting on with it’.

    The reality was though, it wasn’t easy for them either. They wanted the outside world to think it was. Who can admit they feel like you do?

    Not many people. They see themselves as failures, instead of human. A normal Mum going through the sometimes completely screwed up times raising their kids.

    Being brave enough to speak up.

    I’m sorry the people IRL aren’t being there for you, helping you when you are screaming at them to help. It’s funny, the offers are always there. But when you need them, they turn out to be empty.

    Love to you amazing Woman. Because that’s what you are. Amazing.
    xxx

  5. I felt like this most days when I was a single mum & had 3 under 3. I think it was one of the main reasons that pushed me back to Uni. I was lucky that my Mum would take them for a night here and there to give me a break on the weekend. Plus they were all such great sleepers. I have no idea how you are managing still getting up that many times every night. I feel a little helpless and fear I will sound so lame when I say ‘I wish I lived closer so I could give you a hand’ and it will get easier as they get older but you still have to survive and make it through to then. Lots of hugs Jess xxx

  6. I got tears…because you have written down exactly how I have been feeling lately…sometimes I just want to fall asleep and never wake up, just so I have 5 godamn minutes to myself..:(

  7. Dont think you are alone in thinking this. I have 2 girls and omfg. I just wish they would stfu for abit. Let me pee without them, bathe by myself…ANYTHING BY MY FUCKING SELF!

    Ive just tried to do my weekly shopping, the ONLY day I get out of the house all week. I came home. The 3 year old was just being so damn annoying I couldnt think. I now have a mega headache and just want to climb back into my bed. Not gonna happen.

    My eldest is at school, when she isnt sick from her tummy problems, but holy fuck when they are home at the same time. Its constant crying, fighting, screaming, moaning and wanting. give me a break already. By the time my fiance gets home, im just as dead as he is and ready to just rip my own hair out whilst being surrounded by half finished jobs I had started but not being able to get around too.

    Did I mention that I dont even get my bed to myself? yeah, the 3 year old insists on sleeping with us, and since I argue all day long with her, i usually end up saying fuck it I dont care. Just let me sleep.

    Parenting is not easy. Anyone who says it is, must have robotic children and a maid.

    Dont be so hard on yourself.
    xx

  8. Crap Jess! I think it’s pretty fair to say that everyone feels this shit at some stage. Many of us feel like we don’t deserve what we have at times.

    Remind yourself Jess, it DOES get better.

    It truly is very ordinary that your family aren’t following up on your calls for help but perhaps you’re now looking in all the wrong places. If you’ve asked your family/friends face to face; made the request clear; told them you’re at the end of your tether and they still haven’t come to play – then chances are they never will. Look elsewhere my friend.

    Now there’s nothing worse than someone offering unwanted advice but I’m going to anyway (sorry about that), have you looked at joining a mother’s group and/or play group? At least it’s an avenue of support for you for women with kids the same age and more than likely going through the same shit you’re going through.

    It might be worth you chatting to your doctor too Jess and letting him or her know what’s going on. Your local GP is very likely to know of other support groups around that will help you get through this really tough patch.

    Thinking of you love, I really, truly am xxx

  9. I could have written so much of this myself. Only last night I had a meltdown because my asking for help amounted to nothing.
    I wish I could offer some helpful tips, some words of comfort.
    But, all I can say is I hear you, I get it, you’re not alone x

  10. The ‘been there, done that’ response is so unhelpful.

    The empty offers of help give me the shits. Either do or don’t, but don’t offer something you have no intention of following through on.

    Parenting is hard. Pretty sure it means you’re doing it right 😉

  11. You’re not alone. You’re not a bad mother. You’re not bad company. You’re just having one of those days, one that we all have. Some of us at 3 in the morning xxx

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