The Ultimatum – Quit or I’m Leaving

Three months a go I gave tattoodaddy an ultimatum.
I said “Quit smoking by Christmas, or I’m leaving and taking the kids with me.”

Now, I’ve been told by friends this is harsh. Too hard. Which I don’t think it is.
You see, he’s been planning to quit for over three years.
First, he was going to quit when we fell pregnant with Dexter (now 28 months). Then, he would have quite by the time I was 4 months pregnant. Then, by the time he was born. And various other times in there as well.
So he’s had lots of chances. Lots of time to quit.

I told him that I wasn’t going to sit around and wait for him to suddenly die. I’m not going to sit around and wait for him to slowly die either. I’m not waiting to have to look after him and I’m certainly not putting our children through it.
Now, I’m not being epically harsh – if he quits not and then later on gets something related to smoking, of course I’ll look after him. I love him and he took the steps to minimise the chance of something happening to him.

He was smoking Christmas day. I was of course upset because I had reminded him 3 days before of it. But I assumed that maybe the terms got a little mixed up and he took it as Christmas day was the last acceptable day. Fine.

Today, we went over to my sister’s house. Heather (my sister) and I were bathing Dex and sitting with Lola. I went outside to see what TD and Heather’s boyfriend were doing. TD was having a cigarette. Not only that, he tried to hide it.
Now to me, trying to hide it implies you KNOW you shouldn’t be doing it.
If you know you shouldn’t be doing it, don’t!

I’m not a total bitch. I know it’s hard to quit. I’ve done it twice. Once, while I was pregnant with Dex and then I smoked one or two a day from him being about 6 weeks – 3 months. But I stopped. And I did it without patches or anything.
He has patches. He’s seen a doctor about a management plan. He has every opportunity to quit.

So now what?
How many chances does someone get?
I remember reading somewhere “You can only make a mistake once – after that, it’s a choice.” Which rings very true here.
So do I start looking for houses?

What would you do?


8 thoughts on “The Ultimatum – Quit or I’m Leaving

  1. I think that you have to be prepared to follow through if you give an ultimatum, otherwise TD will be as serious about quitting smoking as you are about leaving. If you choose to leave, it doesn’t have to be a permanent thing, but you have to be prepared that it may be.

    Giving up an addiction is not something you can do because someone asks you too, you have to be ready for it. At the moment, it doesn’t sound like TD is ready, but you leaving may help him get to that point. Or it may not.

    I understand why you’ve asked him to quit, I understand why you are pissed. I’ve been in a very similar situation. But only you know whether you can live with the consequences of choosing to stay, or choosing to leave.

  2. I’ve quit smoking too without any patches etc, but then I was pregnant and its pretty much a given that I would quit. I was responsible for the life of a baby and wasnt going to risk anything with smoking. My hubby was still smoking, though he did cut down and never smoked around our son. It wasnt until after a second pregnancy, a few weeks after she was born that he finally stopped, cold turkey too, but only after a family member said something to him, I dont know what either. Took me years of begging and nothing, I hate that he would listen to someone else and not me, but he has stopped now so thats all that matters. Mine also had lung problems a few years ago and still chose to continue smoking. I wonder, if the men had to be pregnant, do you think they would stop just like that, the way we did? I Think So.
    Good luck, like others said you have to follow through but be prepared for the worst. Most likely though he will just be shocked into the right sense.

  3. I wonder if it is more than that. I wonder if you are trying to find a reason to have a confrontation because deep down there is something else that is eating away at you?

    I only say this cause I have been there, given an ultimatum about something when in reality it was about something else entirely that I just didn’t want to face.


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