Realisation

I have been told many things since TD and I split.

I’m not trying hard enough.
I should be chasing after him.
I’m being to hard on him.
I’m being too hard on myself.
It’s all my fault.
None of it is my fault.
It’s all about me.
It’s not about me at all.
I’m making it too easy for him to stay away.
I shouldn’t be taking the kids to see him.
I should be making it as hard as possible for him to see the children because then he’ll realise what he’s missing.
He’s being selfish.
I’m being selfish.
You’re young, it happens.
I should get his parents to talk some sense into him.
I should get my parents to talk some sense into him.

You know the one thing no one told me that I really needed to hear?
It’s out of your control. Just be patient.

I had to work that out all by myself.
It’s. Out. Of. My. Control.
This is a difficult one for me because I’m all about being in control. But I’m working on it.
Just. Be. Patient.
The universe will sort it all out one way or another.

The sun is still rising and setting.
The tides are still turning.
The grass still grows and the plants still flower.
I have no control over these things and I know it.
I don’t stress about that.

So.
It’s out of my control.

I feel better already.

The only things in my control are me, my decisions and my actions.
(and to a lesser extent, my children).
I need to look after my wellbeing and my children and right now, that is all that matters.

I am certain I will have days that I will forget everything I have written right now but the main thing is I know it.

And that’s a big step.

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2 thoughts on “Realisation

  1. Dammit, I’m sorry. Normally I’m the one who says that. I tell my friends, stuff just happens. Life does stuff to you, and you do stuff back. It’s all pretty random. Sometimes the things that happen are sad or bad or seem to happen to the undeserving, but that’s part of it. Sometimes they’re happy and good and happen to the people who need it the most, and that’s part of it too. I feel bad that I haven’t said that to you; I think I felt that I didn’t know you well enough to know how you’d take that.

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