Restless

I have made all of these decisions and now I feel stagnant.
I feel unable to move forward.
Not because of tattoodaddy.
I want to say I don’t care. What he does, but that’s not the right words.
It won’t impact me whichever he chooses aren’t the right words either.

Perhaps “It will impact me, but it won’t impact my plans.” is about as accurate as I can get.
It still sounds a little insensitive but it’s the best I can do.

I am feeling stagnant because right now I am unable to put my plans into action.

Now I know why tattoodaddy got so frustrated about money.
I want something – a lot – and bills just keep popping up everywhere.
It feels so tedious.

We have been hanging out and I told him that one thing I am enjoying* about being broken up is no arguing about money.
I never understood it before. I have always been the We’ll manage, it’ll be ok kind of person. And now, I just want money to put into savings and it isn’t there.

*I did explain that enjoying wasn’t the right word to use but I couldn’t think of any word more appropriate because I AM enjoying not arguing, even if I’m not enjoying being broken up.

I needed this.
I needed us to break up.
Sounds terrible, doesn’t it?
But I needed to find me again. I was so lost.
I got so boring.
So caught up in what I should be doing. In what good mothers do.
Or in what they don’t do.
But that isn’t me.
It never was!
I completely lost myself to this motherhood role.
How am I meant to teach my children to stay true to themselves and always be themselves if I’m not doing the same thing?

I am not glad we broke up.
But I am glad I found myself again.
Does that make sense?

I miss hanging out with him.
We lost us and we lost why we were together in the first place.
I want to be friends with him for friend’s sake – not because he’s the only person to hang out with.
and that’s how it was.
Hopefully – how it will be again. One day.

But for now, I am content in just enjoying.

Enjoying whatever I can

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One thought on “Restless

  1. That is it Jess. You have to find YOU and YOU have to be happy. Then the kids are happy etc. We put our kids first, then hubby, then ourselves (after housework, groceries, cooking etc). In there also is pleasing parents, siblings, in-laws. You need to make time for you & your partner as well. I found out too late how important that is!! It is hard to balance all the roles you need to do.Trying to do what is percieved as “right”. You are very smart & talented woman. A great mother, and I am proud to call you my daughter in law. xxx

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