So much fucking guilt

I didn’t realise just how much of me I had lost until all this happened.
That sounds silly doesn’t it?

How could I lose me?

But when me was suddenly the only person I had, I was shocked.
I hardly recognised me.
And that hurt.

I had driven myself based on what I thought other people wanted.
What I thought I should be doing.
Not what i wanted to be doing.

I had become someone who used my children as a shield.
I did not go out without them because they are useful.
They are a good conversation starter.
An easy subject.
There is never a lull in conversation between mothers telling stories about their children.
It’s scary really.

I couldn’t remember the last time I had had a conversation about things I liked.
When was the last thing I did something I enjoyed?
For me?
When was the last time I bought an item of clothing without thinking about what people would think of me when I was wearing it?
When was the last time I went out to dinner, visited a friend, had a cup of tea and didn’t feel guilty that I didn’t have my children there?
That I wasn’t performing my motherly duties.
That I wasn’t perfect?!

Guilt.
So.Much.Fucking.Guilt.
About everything.
It is ridiculous the amount of guilt that is piled on us as parents.
Mothers I think a little more so than fathers, but it’s still there.
And it makes me SO cranky.
I feel that I have lost 2.5 years of my life trying to be everyone else’s ideal.
And the problem with that?
All these other people, these wonderful, beautiful people, are probably doing the same thing.
Beating themselves up mentally because they don’t think they are playing the part well enough.

I’m sick of it. So, so sick of it.
I’m finding me. And I’m enjoying it.
And you know what?
I’m fucking awesome. I’m not even joking.

 

Who are you?

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “So much fucking guilt

  1. The first time I had “me” time, Pat was about 5. I felt soooo guilty. I went to visit one of my besties who had just had her 1st bub. We slept, talked, walked, shopped, played with her bub, visited her friends & rellies. But I still felt guilty.
    And when I started to go for a weekend away with my sister & friends doing craft, I felt guilty. But then I thought, “men just up & go & do as they please. They don’t worry about who is going to look after their child/children. The mother does it. If they want to go fishing, drinking or whatever, they do. So if i have to drive to Kempsey, drop of my daughter then drive back to Tamworth, because her father won’t look after her, I will & I won’t feel guilty.
    Having that break, whether it be an hour, or a day or more, you feel refreshed, which I think is good for the children & your relationship with your spouse.

    So do it, and don’t feel guilt. Relax & enjoy, whatever it might be.
    I will come babysit so you can have your child free gaming/alcohol binge lol

    xx

  2. — and I whole heartedly agree with her: “The idea of cocleltive guilt is not just absurd; it’s evil.” The Left uses “racism” the way they use “multiculturalism”: to foment resentment and to divide and conquer.

Show me it's not just my Mum that reads my blog... Comment please?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s