I Don’t Know.

I hate these words.

I don’t know.

If you’re staying here, does that mean we are together?
I don’t know.
Don’t know what you want or don’t know what I want?
I don’t know.

What is going on?
I don’t know.

they are the most annoying, frustrating words in history I think.
I am sick of the amount of times I have heard them.

Yet I am saying them too. Constantly it feels.
What’s going on?
I don’t know.
How’s it all going?
I don’t know.
Where’s it all going?
I don’t know.

He looks happier..?
I don’t know.

Why are we expected to know, anyway?
I realise we have children and we require some level of stability for them, but they have that. They are happy.
I’m sure that they have not even realised anything has happened. After all, Daddy is still here, still in the same bed.

So please, ask “How are you?” not How is it going.
Because I know how I am.
I’m good. I’m stronger than I thought I was.
I’m enjoying my children because they start full-time care so I can do Uni to pursue my dreams.
I’m enjoying my new weight loss and treating myself to clothes without guilt.
I’m letting go of my need for control.
I am starting to believe in myself and look after myself.
I am getting into Steampunk and it is so much fun.

So please.
Ask me this question instead, I can answer it a lot more accurately and it is a much more satisfying question to answer.



But god, I miss the way he said I love you…


9 thoughts on “I Don’t Know.

  1. All you CAN do is own your own thoughts and feelings! I think you are powering (AND empowering) along – you’re doing things for YOU that also have a positive impact on your kids. What he thinks and does are for him to work out by himself – that’s a huge part of growing as a person. I wish you both the strength and courage to take your own journeys. Perhaps you’ll intersect again, further down the path!

    • We intersect a lot at the moment because we are still living together, as friends.
      It’s not us that frustrates me (well, it is to an extent but that’s not the point of this) it’s everyone else asking. I know it’s probably out of concern for me, but I’d much rather be asked how I am 🙂

  2. sorry to hear things are so rough for you at the moment. i believe in times like this all you can do is focus on what’s best for you and your kids. in the end, if you aren’t happy, no one will be. i hope this week gets better!

  3. Pingback: Is That What It Comes Down To? | tattoomummy

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