Sex Advice For My Cat

On the dining table in front of my flowers. Because the naughty things she does are all so cute



Look honey, I know you’re not a kitten any more.
You’re 9 months old and you’re growing into a beautiful young cat.
I know you’re on heat. You keep doing that weird meow noise and arching your bum up in the air.
But please, just listen.

You’re still young. You have a lot of life to live, why not just wait a while?
Your first time isn’t going to be great.
Let’s face it, no one’s first time is great.

And I know you think you like that boy cat who sometimes comes and sits on our verandah and meows at you while you sit on the other side of the window, but do you even really like him?
Especially considering you are an inside cat and you’ve never actually met him apart from the meows through the glass you exchange on a semi-regular basis?

Why not live a little? Travel?
We’re moving soon.
You don’t want to tie yourself down to a boy cat here and then realise when we get to our new house there is a much nicer looking, sweeter boy cat there who will bring you offerings of dead mice to court you.
Save yourself. No one is going to buy the milk truck when you’re giving out saucers of cream for free.

And not to mention, you haven’t even considered contraception.
You know that’s where kittens come from right? And I understand that it’s a biological urge you’re having, your clock has started ticking, but just think about it.
You won’t sleep in for at least 8 weeks after you have kittens. Your children will be taken away from you, because I am not having more than one cat, no matter how cute your offspring may be.
You will not only have one baby in there, you will most likely have three or four.
Have you thought about how uncomfortable that will be?
ALL of your boobs will be ruined from suckling babes. You don’t only have 2 to worry about, you have 8!

I’m sorry honey, I just can’t allow you to do it yet.
If I have my way, not ever.
My father threatened to send me to a nunnery and so too I am telling you this.
soon, you will be desexed.
I’m sorry, but it’s for your own good.
You’ll understand one day.
I love you.


4 thoughts on “Sex Advice For My Cat

  1. Oh, but she would make such cute kittens! However, yes, desexing is the way to go. And the look on that cheeky Tom cat’s face when he realizes she’s been fixed up will likely be priceless 🙂

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