Apathy

apathy

It’s all I feel right now.
I still am waiting to hear baout my loan and it’s been 4 weeks since my business course finished.
To put so much effort into it and have nothing fruitful at the end of it is very disheartening.
I keep wondering why I even bothered.It’s like a massive kick in the teeth – as if all those people who actually control the important stuff (namely, loans) don’t appreciate the work that I’m doing. And while I can understand they have all the things such as financial climate, my history, the position of my particular business and the industry, it just feels like I did all that work for nothing.

I hate not having the ability to earn my own money.
I hate relying on tattoodaddy and the government for my money. HATE it.
I realise most people get family tax benefits etc but it just feels horrible not having any other money.

My Dad always complains about their staff.
I’ve previously worked there for 5 years.
I said “I can work Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays over the holidays for you, while it’s busy. I don’t expect work after that and hopefully my business will be up, and I’ve possibly got something lined up for then anyway but it would be good for me and good for you, for the holidays.
“We don’t need anyone.”
And what he is really saying is “I’m not hiring you, you have children.”
How do I know? Because he’s said it before. Before when I was in a terrible position financially.
When I literally didn’t have enough money to cover my rent every week because of some horrific screw up on my part and at the other end.
No, because she has children.
Because that makes her unreliable.

If I can’t get my own FATHER to give me a job when he knows that things are tight and how horrible I feel about not earning my own money, if I can’t get him to hire me, what chance do I have anywhere else?

Everyone just sees a massive gap in a resume where there should be position progression.
Everyone just sees a liability.
My children are neither of these things and have taught me so much in the way of dealing with people, relationships, emotions and many other things beneficial to almost any role.
But no one gives you a chance.
Not even my family.

Feels like the only ability I have that generates some form of income is having a baby.
And I’m not doing that again.

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One thought on “Apathy

  1. Hi Jess,
    Just read your blog and hey we have all been down there and now is the time to get up and start fighting. there’s an old song that says “pick yourself up, dust youself off, and start all over again” I have been there too many times in my life and yes you feel the world is against you but be strong and the new year will be better for you if you are positive and stay strong. I believe in you and if I had the spare cash would loan it to you in a flash but sorry not that financial.
    Keep your chin up you have people around you that love and care for you and YOU will get there just maybe not as quick or as easily as you may have hoped.
    and remember this NEVER STOP TRYING, NEVER GIVE UP!!!!

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