The other day, I got a text message from my gym, “Are you okay? You haven’t visited in a while. Do you need help?”
Which, I assume, is a nice way of saying: Hey! Stop being lazy and wasting all this money and actually come in.
You had to reply “help” if you wanted a free personal training session. I was like hey, those things are expensive and if I can get one for free…
So I text back “HELP”
And it’s is this morning.
And I am terrified.
I even went and bought some new pants. Because you know, if I look like I go to the gym, maybe I’ll be able to fool everyone that I’m okay with what I’m doing.
I am terrified of failing.
That I won’t be able to do it.
That my trainer will think I’m weak.
That I will see just how unfit I really am.
That somehow, I will do more damage to my stomach muscles which are just starting to come back together after two children.
That I will make a fool of myself.
And yes, I realise all of these are ridiculous and completely unfounded.
I will tell my trainer about my stomach, he might have a feel of the muscles if he needs to and then we will do the level according to what my body can cope with.
I am not weak, I am strong for taking the first step.
The trainer won’t be judging me, he will be helping me.
I know all the commonsense behind going to the gym.
Doesn’t stop me obsessing over it though.
IT saddens me, I used to love the pounding of my heart and the burning in my lungs that came from an all-out run.
Now, that scares me. Having blood pressure issues makes me scared.
And the irony is, if I exercised regularly, the blood pressure issues may very well go away.
I know it’s just a retraining my brain and the way I think.
Finding something I enjoy.
It’s doing it that’s the problem.
I’m not the only one right?