Breaking Point – Something’s Gotta Give

mug

I am doing way too much.
Calming telling my child that I had tears because he was being a rude, naughty and generally not nice little boy and to please go away from me was the point at which I realised I need to back away from some things in my life.
Normally I would have yelled at him. Told him to go to his room.
I was too scared to yell.
If I yelled I might just scream and never stop.
With the shop, everyone just keeps saying “when are you doing this, when are you doing that?” “Do you have this?” Can I get this? How much is this… Me Me Me.

And yes I realise that is what retail is. But fuck. Seriously.
If you’ve had these dreams to open a shop just like mine, why didn’t you do it? Money? Time?
They are my reasons too. It takes time, it takes money. And on top of that I have two children, a partner and a part time job.

At my job I’m jokingly getting “Why are you even here?” and “what do you even do?” and whilst it’s in jest, it still hurts.
I KNOW I’m an overly sensitive person. I know I take things to heart that are said in jest. But what is the point of being nasty, even jokingly. It’s adult bullying. And it’s just pointless.
Why am I there if that’s how it’s going to be. I have my own business I could be building up.

At derby I know I can’t dedicate enough time needed to make it worth it. All I get is tired, a night I don’t put my kids to bed and that’s without me attending everything that needs to be attended. I can’t give two knights and one afternoon.

Right now, the gym feels like the only place I can go and escape from it all. To push myself physically and mentally so when I have a bad day there, it feels horrible.
Yesterday I had a bad day there because of everything else that has been going on. I have too much stuff weighing on me and so, my focus is lessened, my effort is lessened. I feel like I’ve wasted time and money and energy and I hate it.

I just want a break.

I got told to “control my children.”
We were invited out for dinner, at 7pm. Their bedtime. It was moved forward to 6:30pm.
They were hungry, wriggly, tired. Wanted to walk around, which in my opinion them wandering quietly at the back of the restaurant is better than two screaming children strapped into a highchair.
I told her if she wanted to parent, she was welcome to take them for a week and see how hard it really is.

She later apologised and told me she didn’t realise how hard it is. That if/when she has children, she’s not taking them out in public until they are five. That she’s sorry she told me to control them.

And I really appreciate her apologising.

But fuck it hurt.
People never put themselves in others’ shoes.

I just need a break.
so much, I need a break.
time to just sit. No cleaning. No yelling. No being climbed on. No constant questions. Nothing to do but sit and be.

And yes, I do realise I chose to have children.
I chose to open a business.
I chose to do all these things.

But don’t we all just need a break every now and then?
Don’t we all just need to sit and do nothing?

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5 thoughts on “Breaking Point – Something’s Gotta Give

  1. I feel you. Even though I don’t have kids of my own, there is that overwhelmingly high standard we as women hold ourselves too.
    And even if we are just sitting our mind is constantly gravitating to the things we need to be doing… Quite frankly it sucks. Hope you find some solace this weekend. Cheer up.

    • Yeah. It’s just at the point where everything is suffering, so I have to sacrifice something for the “greater good”
      And you’re not allowed to sacrifice children – people get cranky 😉
      So last night I decided I’m going to sit out of derby, for this term at least.
      It’s the thing I have put the least time/money into so it feels a sensible decision that it is the first thing to go.
      I will miss it, but at least I will have more truck tyre-flipping energy!

  2. I must admit, I don’t really ever read these posts so feel free to ignore my comments- but I do happen to know a about this stuff. A systems approach to managing or controlling psychosocial hazards like you’re facing outlines three different levels you need to attack.

    The first (and most effective) is to remove the stressors – like you’re doing with derby.
    The second is to improve individual resilience to stressors – you could argue the gym does this for you, but there are more effective cbt type approaches.
    And thirdly you need education about mental health, so you can better self identify and address things before they become a problem. It might even be good to get your partner to learn a bit more too.

    I guess my point is that what you’re experiencing is normal, and you’re taking the right approach to manage it. Just don’t expect an overnight fix. Happy to chat further, you know how to contact me 🙂

    • Thanks Bolo 🙂
      I know I’m on the right track. I’m also going to see my phsycologist again, which is something I’ve been convincing myself I don’t need to do because I’m managing fine on my own, when really, I’ve just been in denial.

  3. I am so proud of you!! I totally understand your situation and if you ever want / need to talk to someone, slightly removed from your day-to-day life, PM me for my number. xox

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