I am doing way too much.
Calming telling my child that I had tears because he was being a rude, naughty and generally not nice little boy and to please go away from me was the point at which I realised I need to back away from some things in my life.
Normally I would have yelled at him. Told him to go to his room.
I was too scared to yell.
If I yelled I might just scream and never stop.
With the shop, everyone just keeps saying “when are you doing this, when are you doing that?” “Do you have this?” Can I get this? How much is this… Me Me Me.
And yes I realise that is what retail is. But fuck. Seriously.
If you’ve had these dreams to open a shop just like mine, why didn’t you do it? Money? Time?
They are my reasons too. It takes time, it takes money. And on top of that I have two children, a partner and a part time job.
At my job I’m jokingly getting “Why are you even here?” and “what do you even do?” and whilst it’s in jest, it still hurts.
I KNOW I’m an overly sensitive person. I know I take things to heart that are said in jest. But what is the point of being nasty, even jokingly. It’s adult bullying. And it’s just pointless.
Why am I there if that’s how it’s going to be. I have my own business I could be building up.
At derby I know I can’t dedicate enough time needed to make it worth it. All I get is tired, a night I don’t put my kids to bed and that’s without me attending everything that needs to be attended. I can’t give two knights and one afternoon.
Right now, the gym feels like the only place I can go and escape from it all. To push myself physically and mentally so when I have a bad day there, it feels horrible.
Yesterday I had a bad day there because of everything else that has been going on. I have too much stuff weighing on me and so, my focus is lessened, my effort is lessened. I feel like I’ve wasted time and money and energy and I hate it.
I just want a break.
I got told to “control my children.”
We were invited out for dinner, at 7pm. Their bedtime. It was moved forward to 6:30pm.
They were hungry, wriggly, tired. Wanted to walk around, which in my opinion them wandering quietly at the back of the restaurant is better than two screaming children strapped into a highchair.
I told her if she wanted to parent, she was welcome to take them for a week and see how hard it really is.
She later apologised and told me she didn’t realise how hard it is. That if/when she has children, she’s not taking them out in public until they are five. That she’s sorry she told me to control them.
And I really appreciate her apologising.
But fuck it hurt.
People never put themselves in others’ shoes.
I just need a break.
so much, I need a break.
time to just sit. No cleaning. No yelling. No being climbed on. No constant questions. Nothing to do but sit and be.
And yes, I do realise I chose to have children.
I chose to open a business.
I chose to do all these things.
But don’t we all just need a break every now and then?
Don’t we all just need to sit and do nothing?