A Rainbow baby is a baby born following the loss of a child.
Just take a minute to really look at him. His beautiful hair, so fine and silky. His long eyelashes that lightly brush his cheeks. His beautiful hands; their long fingers that slowly curl and uncurl, occasionally covering his face. And when he opens those captivating eyes you can see he’s been here before.
I put the above photo on facebook and I had a friend say “Look at you! You want another one!” But I do not. I am content to hold other people’s gorgeous bundles. But Caelan is different. To hold Caelan; to smell him, hear him – this was beyond words. I have followed Kristie’s journey over at Hespera’s Garden very keenly. She tells the story of loss without fear, without holding back. I follow it because of Tara, her daughter, who – when Avery was born sleeping – was the same age as I was, when my little brother died.
In my family, we didn’t talk about Adam much. Obviously the hurt was too much. Just like any child that is lost, they leave a gaping hole in your life. In our life, we sidestepped the hole; didn’t talk about it – pretended it wasn’t there. I don’t blame my parents for this at all. When my brother died, my mother was already 2 months pregnant with my youngest sister. You can’t allow yourself to be split in two when you are already carry so much inside you.
I’m certain they were trying to shield us from the full hurt, but as I get older I feel that I never got the chance to fully process what happened, to fully grieve the loss our family endured.
Through Kristie’s blog I can watch Tara and watch her heal. Through that, I can heal too. From reading her blog, my mother and I have started talking about Adam.
My father has not read her blog, but he is slowly healing too. For the first time in my life that I can recall, he told someone he has five children.
When one person starts healing, they allow everyone to.
This little boy is so peaceful, so perfect, so real. He knows how needed he is, how loved he is. Not only by his own family, but by people around the world who have followed their journey of heartache and loss. People who have endured the same thing. Or people who have not.
HE will do great things. He has a wisdom in his soul.
It was such an honour to hold him. To meet his mama. To breathe him in and just look at him. To feel his weight in my arms and know that everything was going to be alright.