You’re just depressed all the time.
They are not words anyone really wants to hear.
But at the same time, they are very much words I needed to hear.
I know that subconsciously, I have been filling my time and days with everything, not wanting to have time to sit and think.
I can feel the panic bubbling just under the surface.
The indescribable urge to scream sometimes.
And I don’t know why.
I have blood pressure issues.
To me, the checks at the doctors never give me what I feel is an accurate reading. I can feel myself get anxious as soon as they mention checking it. I can feel myself get hot, my heart races, it thumps.
Even with this, it sits at about 135/85 medicated. Which is close enough to the norm that we are all satisfied.
Today, I went about an unrelated matter.
He said “We’ll just check your blood pressure while you’re here…”
The almost tears. The thumping…
160/90. 120 heart rate.
Like a frightened rabbit.
This says so much more to me about my mental health than my physical health.
I know my blood pressure is better than that.
I know my cardiovascular health is improving.
And so once again, I need to speak.
I need to deal with all the things I’m bottling inside.
Everything I’m scared to talk about.
I didn’t realise that I was hurting my family.
Hurting those I love.
Taking my frustrations out on the children, snapping at them. Getting frustrated at them for being children.
Snapping at tattoodaddy for asking questions that I didn’t feel like answering.
I don’t want to live like this.
I miss me.
I miss being happy.
I miss enjoying life to it’s fullest.
I miss not feeling so fucking scared.
I miss loving myself.