You’re Just Depressed ALL the Time!

You’re just depressed all the time.
They are not  words anyone really wants to hear.

But at the same time, they are very much words I needed to hear.

I know that subconsciously, I have been filling my time and days with everything, not wanting to have time to sit and think.
I can feel the panic bubbling just under the surface.
The indescribable urge to scream sometimes.
The almost-burst-into-tears-at-nothing.
And I don’t know why.

I have blood pressure issues.
To me, the checks at the doctors never give me what I feel is an accurate reading. I can feel myself get anxious as soon as they mention checking it. I can feel myself get hot, my heart races, it thumps.
Even with this, it sits at about 135/85 medicated. Which is close enough to the norm that we are all satisfied.

Today, I went about an unrelated matter.
He said “We’ll just check your blood pressure while you’re here…”
The almost tears. The thumping…
160/90. 120 heart rate.

Like a frightened rabbit.
This says so much more to me about my mental health than my physical health.
I know my blood pressure is better than that.
I know my cardiovascular health is improving.

And so once again, I need to speak.
I need to deal with all the things I’m bottling inside.
Everything I’m scared to talk about.

I didn’t realise that I was hurting my family.
Hurting those I love.
Taking my frustrations out on the children, snapping at them. Getting frustrated at them for being children.

Snapping at tattoodaddy for asking questions that I didn’t feel like answering.

I don’t want to live like this.
I miss me.
I miss being happy.
I miss enjoying life to it’s fullest.
I miss not feeling so fucking scared.

I miss loving myself.


2 thoughts on “You’re Just Depressed ALL the Time!

  1. I could have written this today. Easy to say “love yourself”, but so much harder to do it. So try, ok? And I will when I’ve finished feeling shitty.

Show me it's not just my Mum that reads my blog... Comment please?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s