Lately, life has been kicking me in the… shins. If I had testicles, it would be kicking me in those.
As you may
have heard me bitching about know, I’m sick.
I have an abcess. I’ve already had one fucking round of antibiotics for it. And now, I have to take 8 tablets a day. On top of the 3 I already take a day. Not including supplements.
Got 99 tablets and a sup ain’t one. Heh. Hilarious.
I feel sick. I’m so bloated I look pregnant.
Happy Mother’s Day! Look like you’re having a baby!
I’m going to go to the gym and they’ll be like ohhhh I had no idea! That’s so exciting – when are you due?!
And I’ll be like look, It’s the antibiotics. And right now, I am not in the mood because I think I need to fart, but I can’t trust my farts thanks to the antibiotics.
And no, I will not be doing squats today.
I also kinda hate myself.
Why am I being so annoying?
Why am I still making egg white omelets and eating wholemeal grains and tuna with rice cakes and not too much fruit? Fat free pro-biotic yogurt?
Man, Just writing it down makes me feel like a douche.
Part of me is like “YOU’RE SICK! JUST EAT ALL THE FUCKING CHOCOLATE AND FEEL GOOD ABOUT BEING MISERABLE!”
And then the other, louder side of my brain kicks in and is like “Jessica, don’t you dare! Do you know how many burpees you will have to do to get rid of that chocolate?! Do you know how far you will have to run?” It may or may not be said in my sister’s voice, but hey. Whatever works!
And yes, I did eat half a block of chocolate the other day. And yes, I felt sick afterwards. And no, I didn’t really enjoy it after the first 2 squares and when I looked down and half a block was gone I was life WTF?! How did that even happen?!!
My trainer (who from now on we will call Superman because a) he looks a bit like Clark Kent with his glasses on b) he’s super at getting results and c) I feel a little bit like a dog in a circus ring when I say trainer) is trying to trick me, I’m certain of it.
I told him I felt like eating lollies but I got dried pineapple instead. He was like “Just eat the lollies” and instantly, Admiral Akbar popped into my brain and shouted
“IT’S A TRAP!”