I am in the middle of the most agonising wait I have ever experienced.
Last week (9am Wednesday to be precise or about 167 hours ago), I was artificially inseminated. I have one more week until my period is due or about 168 hours. Do you realise how slow a week is when you’re anxious, scared, excited and just a little emotional? No wonder I feel like I’m about 3 words away from tears.
I tried to look for some blogs about IUI (inter-uterine insemination) but of course, if you’re thinking fertility treatment the first thought is IVF and there seems to be a lot of support and information about that, but not much on IUI. I’m feeling like I’m sitting on an island watching all the boats sail just out of reach.
I don’t feel particularly well either. It was quite sudden that I didn’t feel too good, but I’m too scared to go to the doctor because I know she will do a pregnancy test and I know it’s too early for a positive result, so then I will be heartbroken that not only am I not pregnant, but I spent $1200 to get pregnant and it didn’t work. I also know that feeling tired, a bit faint or dizzy and a headache are symptoms of stress not just pregnancy. I know that gastro has been going through my workplace so maybe the slight nausea I have had since the day before yesterday when I skip a meal might just be that. I know my sore breast is a symptom of PMS.
But knowing all of that doesn’t stop me wondering and hoping.
Following a miscarriage about 8 months ago, I have been wound tighter than Joan Rivers’ face. We have been trying naturally for 15 months. In our 16 month we got some help. We understood that because of our specific issues, we have a chance of not needing to go for IVF but what if it doesn’t work?
We have eaten herbs, we have followed the doctor’s advice, I’ve had acupuncture, I’ve meditated, I’ve prayed and of course, we have shagged and shagged and just for a bit of a change, we shagged some more. We’ve shagged daily, every second day, or every third day, depending what the doctor told us each month and with only the one success that ended in heartbreak.
We were told at a fertility seminar that naturally, a woman has only 1-2% chance each month of getting pregnant, this simply makes me wonder how the human race has survived this long. It also shows me that I am not alone despite how alone I feel.
I feel this huge ball of emotions that I cannot describe. I normally have a pretty good handle on identifying my emotions but this has me floored. Undergoing fertility treatment has left me feeling like I need to be sitting under my desk with a blanket over me rocking my teddy bear to sleep.
I worry if we made the right decision. I worry if we’ll be good parents. I worry what will happen if we have a miscarriage. I worry that if it does work it’ll be unfair on my brother-in-law’s fiancé since the due date is about 2 weeks before their wedding. I worry that we will have wasted money if it doesn’t work.
Relax they say. HA! Have you ever tried to relax when you’re hanging in limbo and can’t wrestle control back from fate when you’re used to always knowing where you’re going and forging your own path when in doubt? IUI isn’t something I can relax about, in fact it just makes me want to cross my knees because although it didn’t hurt or anything like that, it was exactly what one would describe as comfortable (imagine a pap smear going for about 20 minutes for an idea of your comfort level).
For what I read, IUI appeared to be better than IVF as a starting point but I don’t know if I can handle going through this wait again (it’s now 168 hours ago with only about 167 to go…).