Is That What It Comes Down To?

Tattoodaddy and I don’t fight.
I don’t say this to brag. It is simply a statement.
Sometimes I wish we would fight. That I would yell and he would yell back and we would all yell and say what needs to be said.

But we don’t. And he doesn’t.
He will walk away, go outside and have a cigarette in silence.

Instead we occasionally have intense talks.
I do not like these talks.

These talks include questions like “Why are you here?”

“Do you even want to be here?”

And sometimes the answer to these questions is “I don’t know.”

I don’t know.

What if you decide you want to be single again?
Why would I do that?
Because you did after three and a half years.
What’s different then at five years or seven years or ten years.
I get so worried that you will decide you just want to be single because then there is less yelling and less noise and more time.

But I’m here.

But why are you here?

Because this is where I belong.

I tell him I’m worried because he once told me I’m not the kind of girl he thought he’d spend forever with but I’m the kind of girl he’d hoped he would.
I haven’t heard him say something like that, anything like that in so long how do I know it’s still true.

He is not good with words. Not good at saying how he feels.

And in the silence that follows I whisper “I love you”
And he replies with “I love you too.”

And I ask “Do you think that’s all it really comes down to?”

And he says yes.

 

Then we are restless and can’t sleep.
He has a cigarette and a shower.
He comes back into the room and tells me why don’t I have a shower it might help me sleep.

I climb back into bed, exhausted.
I feel him curl around me and I know that he wants to show me he loves me, if he can’t say it in enough words that make me see how much.

After we lay there with his arms around me and his head nuzzled into my shoulder.
I look at the time and pray the kids do not get up in 3 hours like they have been.

Dolores wakes, comes into our bed.
We lay her between us and watch her fall back to sleep.
We smile at her cheekiness, telling us she’s not going back to her bed, she wants one more snugglebunny.

We smile over the now sleeping body of our youngest child and I think

This is where I belong.

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4 thoughts on “Is That What It Comes Down To?

  1. After coming from a relationship with lots of fighting, yelling & abuse, it is so nice to be in one with no arguments, no yelling, no fighting. Its comfortable. It feels safe. We can talk. Its great. I am glad you don’t fight, buts its getting the talking/communication happening xxx

  2. Sometimes love is hard. I wish they would tell you that when you are younger.
    From where I am sitting right now it would be so nice to not have yelling/fighting as a common occurrence. Intense talks, a chance for answers, that’d be nice. Remember you are allowed to ask questions, as many as you would like.

    • Love is definitely a lot of hard work. I always thought that love is love and once you’ve found that the rest falls into place. But it’s definitely not the case.
      Love is calm voices when your rather shout, staying when you’d like to walk away, cuddles in the middle of the night because that’s the only time you get time. I didn’t think it would be hard but it’s definitely worth it

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