Falling.

I don’t post because I don’t want to burden people.
And after all, what sort of person lays her soul bare on the internet for all to read?
Where’s the dignity in that?

I have children who don’t sleep.
And yes everyone has children who don’t sleep.
Mine are still awake now after 2 hours of sleep time stuff – it is 8:30pm.
Constantly doing that is exhausting.
They are up about 2 – 3 times a night each. Usually they tag team.
I wake up with one or both in my bed and carry them back to theirs.
It is exhausting.
Lola gets up at about 5:30am. It is exhausting.
You’re right, I do only have two children.
You’re right, plenty of people have done it before me.

I’m not them.

Do they have a son who is such a sensory seeker that he punches and hits his little sister and his mum to the point of bruising?
Yes. I’m expecting a call about Lola’s bruises every day.
I don’t know what to do.
It’s not something smacking fixes. It’s not something yelling, or time out or taking toys away “fixes”.
She on the other hand is either constantly retaliating (understandable) or hanging off some body part of mine whining incessantly.

Yes. I chose parenthood.
No. I did not choose this.

I feel like such a failure at everything right now.
I don’t know how to help my son do things constructively.
I don’t know how to help my daughter build enough of herself she does not need to hang off me every second.
I feel like they could have a better parent.

I’m sinking into somewhere that’s familiar. Those children that drive me crazy are also the only ones keeping me from it.
I just want it to be me and them against the world. Building veggie gardens and swimming in rock pools, going for long walks in the forest.
Snuggling together in bed each night.

I just want it to be simple and I want it to be mine.

But there is always bills to pay. And stuff to do. And faces to put on.

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One thought on “Falling.

  1. They have sensory workshops at early intervention, they are amazong and public can go (i am pretty sure) if that might help x

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