Don’t Know How To Parent

It’s a tough place to be.
I don’t know what I’m doing.
Although I can’t turn around without someone telling me how to do it, that’s just not helpful.
It’s always condescending.
Always along the lines of Dex not having special needs, him just needing discipline.
Why would I need help if I could do it right.
Always bring brushed off.
Asking, begging for help because I just don’t want to be a mother right now please just take them for a night
And not hearing anything.
Bringing it up two weeks later when I still just needed one fucking night and being told well I know you’d never actually do anything to hurt them so it doesn’t matter.

Being so distant from your other half you don’t even know who they are or what they like anymore.
Not having a night with them in over 6 months.
Not having a proper conversation other than what bills should be paid or what groceries need buying because you’re either interrupted or just too fucking tired and burned out to do anything else.
Wishing you could change it but just not having the strength.
Wondering if your relationship will survive another year. Month. Week.

Waking up and loving them so so much but dreading having to do the same shit over and over. Feeling so fucking guilty because you’d just like a little break. A little help.
But no one else had help and they had more kids/less time/worked more and they survived.
Why shouldn’t we.
Why can’t I?

I feel like a failure and I just don’t know how to fix it.
I feel like I’m crazy.
Maybe the things I feel aren’t really there.
Maybe I don’t really need help and I’m just imagining it’s this hard.
Because if I really needed it, someone would help, wouldn’t they?

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3 thoughts on “Don’t Know How To Parent

  1. Oh, Jess! Such an awful place to be. I know how hard it is with only one 18 month old, so I can’t imagine how difficult two demanding kids can be. You’re not a failure and definitely not crazy. I think sometimes the older generations seem to remember their early parenting days through rose-coloured glasses, but that’s no excuse to make you feel guilty and like you should just “suck it up”. Every mother feels overwhelmed with the relentless responsibility (and drudgery) sometimes. I hope you find the help/rest/break you need! x

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