I’m Not Afraid of Failing

I have put direct plans in place to reach specific goals in my life.
Plans that directly relate to what I want to do for a career.

I’m not afraid to fail.
I know I can do it.

I’m so sure in my heart that this is what I’m meant to be doing that I get tears in my eyes and I can’t not smile because I’m so relieved that I’m finally on my way to being the me I really am.

I am afraid of succeeding though.
I’m afraid of the friends I’ll lose and the enemies I’ll make along the way.

Why?
Because it takes a special kind of person to be happy for someone else’s success.
It takes a special kind of person to say “well done” and be entirely genuine about it.
It takes a special kind of person to accept that someone is entirely happy in who they are and what they’re doing and accept that they know they have found their calling.
It’s hard to not be jealous.
It’s hard to not want to bring them down.
It’s hard to not want to accentuate their flaws or pick on their insecurities because then you feel better. If they’re not perfect, you can be a little happier in yourself that they have found their true love because you can focus on that.

I refuse to be that person.

I’m not afraid of falling.
I’m not afraid of getting hurt.
I’m not afraid of dead ends and hard work.

I am afraid that people in my life won’t be able to accept that I am doing what I love.
But those people will have to accept it and be happy or get out of my way.

I refuse to compromise what I’m destined for because others’ may not be able to handle it.

If we could all just be a little bit happier for those around us, maybe we’d realise more quickly our heart’s calling.

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Tonight I Became a Crazy Person

The girls over at Operation Move have been making me feel super dooper lazy motivating me to just fucking do it. And as I don’t have a car and won’t for another 2 weeks –¬† gym visits and few and far between.

You know when it’s raining and you’re driving somewhere you always see that one runner, out in the rain, water streaming off them and they gracefully continue on their way without a care in the world, obviously lost in the rhythm that is their running?

That wasn’t me.

I was the one that managed to be red faced, sweaty, red legged (that what happens when you exercise people, they go red. Same as your face. Red blood cells rise to the surface of your skin to aid in cooling – fun fact)
How the fuck does one sweat in the rain?

I ran 4.2km in 33:08 minutes.
And I felt it all.
I was hungry. I was tired. My hamstrings were tight.
I just wanted to sit on the lounge and do nothing, followed by doing nothing whilst eating ice cream.

But I have goals.
and those goals don’t align with sitting on my ass while it gets bigger.

It wasn’t easy.
I’m not going to lie I was writing inspirational blog posts in my head as I was running so then I couldn’t quit because then I would be a hypocrite.
Only made it a tiny bit easier.
And then I started thinking about all those stupid fucking slogans about when it starts hurting, don’t stop – run faster. Won’t make it hurt less but it will be over sooner.
They are right.

Running hurt.
Exercise is uncomfortable.
None of it hurts as much as having a goal and knowing you didn’t reach it because you just didn’t try enough, though.

p.s. To be like that girl is my goal.
But better.

Start Now. Start Small. Just Start.

I could get upset with myself about all the hard work I undid over the last 4 months (or more!) whilst I wasn’t training.
I could put myself down and talk about being fat and lazy.
I could just give up and resign myself to a life of trying to be healthy but not trying too hard.

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But I’m not going to do any of those.
Because a) it’s not helpful b) it’s not true and c) I don’t want to.

I haven’t worked out.
I haven’t had motivation. My PT left, my best friend/training partner left.
Yep, they’re excuses.
My excuses.
You can’t force someone to do something they don’t want to, not really.
Horse to water but can’t make it drink and all that jazz.
I haven’t wanted to train. I’ve missed my training partner, I’ve missed my pt, I’ve missed how simple life seemed 6 months ago.

To be honest, I’ve missed me time.

And I kept saying that I was trying to find me time so I just didn’t have time for the gym.
Then I remembered the gym is my me time.

So I went back.
I trained legs.
I disappointed myself with just how quickly I lost my strength.
I felt out of place with no one to train with.
But I didn’t give up.

I messaged my PT because he told me I always could but I just hadn’t because I didn’t want to be a pain in the ass.

I instagrammed that shit because I am proud.
Proud I didn’t give up for good.
Proud I’m back into it.
Proud of what my body is capable of.

I enjoy it.
I enjoy the push and pull.
The tension, the muscles strain and stretch.
The achievement.
The failure. Yes, the failure because it pushes me harder.
I enjoy walking away sweaty and breathless and wobbly-legged because I know I gave it my all.
I enjoy that on a day where nothing really feels right and I don’t know which way is up I can go and lift heavy shit and feel like I can do something even if it’s only for an hour.
I’ve accomplished something.

I’m not a long distance runner.
I probably could be if I tried. But it’s not where my heart is.

My heart is under the weights. It’s in the push and pull and resistance.

I can’t even describe how good it feels for me.
How amazing I feel flipping a tyre or pressing something I couldn’t before.

Your heart might be somewhere else. It might be swimming or marathons or kayaking or hiking or abseiling or jazz or rock and roll dancing.
Find the exercise that makes your heart sing.
Hold onto it. Make it your happy place.
Make it your place where everything makes sense at least for that amount of time.
Never let it go.
Never let you convince yourself that you’re not good enough or strong enough or young enough or old enough for whatever it is you choose.

You find what it is that moves you and you move.

It’s what I’m doing.
I’m home.

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Monster for my Monsters

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A little while ago I received a gorgeous package in the mail.
I am a sucker for gorgeous packages.

Oh the innuendo – maturity plus here ūüėČ

Even better that it contained food that I am happy feeding my children – real food.
Bonuses that it is from an Australian company.

They are perfect for me because tattoodaddy starts work at 8 and that means a drive into town – I don’t like driving home to drive back in again later and sometimes my children do actually like to sleep – usually those mornings where I actually need to be somewhere -so these are perfect for the morning rush.

Below are the verdicts from the toughest of testers – my children.

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I would definitely buy this again.
Oh wait. I did:

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All views are completely my own – I received free product for review purposes.

Be Kind To Yourself

It is so easy to forget to look after you sometimes.
Things get in the way, plans get laid to the side for when you’ve got more time, more money, less work, less chores, less stress, less debt, less problems.

It is in my experience that these things rarely just disappear. Time doesn’t just happen. Money doesn’t just happen (unless you have a really rich uncle or something and are expecting an inheritance, in which case heelllllllooooo you). Chores never.fucking.stop.

So why would you expect them too, to be able to put yourself first?

For me, it’s looking after myself and my course.
Somehow I’ve allowed myself to slip back into old habits. Easy snacks and not having the “time” to look after myself.
To be honest, telling myself I don’t have the time is why I don’t have the time. When I made time to do what I needed to do, everything was organised and I knew what was going on. Now I just run around feeling stressed and cranky because I’m not getting anything done in an appropriate time frame and so I miss out doing things I want to do.

The other thing I have noticed is that I am getting nervous about going back to the gym. What if people think I’ve gotten fat? What if I’m not as strong or as fit as I was before?
Mostly, I’m cranky at myself for letting myself down. I had something that was so important to me and I let it slide to the wayside.
How can I teach my children to follow their heart and do what they believe is most important if I don’t do the same?
How can I fully look after them if I’m not looking after me?
How can I feel completely well if I’m not only exercising properly, but having time away from everything to destress and just be?

I miss having my personal trainer – Superman has moved on to bigger and better things in a new town and I miss him a lot. I miss him believing in me. Not that he doesn’t now but it’s a lot different to hearing it twice a week.
I’m not in the position to afford one right now so I’m going to have to be the one who pushes myself.
I miss it. I miss the burn and the ache and the rush.

I need to look after me.

I Self Sabotage and I’m Good at it.

It’s true.
Totally.
I was doing well on the cleanse.
Feeling amazing with ridiculous amounts of energy.
Remembering to take all my vitamins and my snacks and everything.
I hadn’t felt so awake in ages.

And then we had friends over.
Friends I was providing food for.
And instead of some nice fruit and veg with some clean dips, I did sausage rolls and chicken nuggets. And chips.
And I ate some of those chicken nuggets and chips.
Because I could.
Because they were there.
And I knew if I bought them I would eat them, why did I do it?

And I vomited for 2 hours afterwards.

I felt terrible for it.
And with this cleanse, I knew I felt good but I didn’t realise HOW good I was feeling and how well my body was feeling until I put something into it that it’s not meant to have.
After all the dry retching in the middle of the night that I did, when I eventually threw up – do you know what it was?
A layer of oil. I am not even kidding. IT sat on the water as it does when you put hot water into a frying pan.
It was disgusting to think I had willingly ingested something my body so violently disliked.

And today, I feel like shit. I have been tired all day.
My head feels “fuzzy”
I just don’t feel as alive as I did 2 days ago.

I can’t wait to do my next cleanse day now.
I know my body is responding well to what it is being given and I want to treat it properly.

Oh, did I tell you that I lost 2.1kg in the first week?

And Carmen, the lovely woman she is, just asked how I’m feeling.
Sympathised that it is horrible to be retching around kids and then looking after them the next day.
AMAZING woman and amazing service.

Carmen Rumsey 
Mobile: 0437 551 111
Email:
carmen@love2cleanse.com 
Skype Name:  love2cleanse
You can find her on Facebook as well at Mummy to Millionaire

My previous blogs are HereAnd Here

Nutritional Cleansing – Pizza? Oops

*I received a President’s Pak from Mummy to Millionare to review over the course of a month however all opinions are mine and no payment has been exchanged*
Didn’t I tell you I was going to share my personal analysis sheet with you?

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CCF08102013_00001So how’s that.
There you have me and my eating habits, laid bare. Including how often I poop.
Carmen is pretty thorough with the questions and she is good at understanding what is going on too.
She has two young children and gets the complete exhaustion (well she did before she started Mummy to millionaire for her Isagenix business and now she insists she wakes up fresh as a daisy. And when I spoke to her via skype, she looked it)

The weekend was supposed to be my first cleanse. My “shake days’ are going well, I wake up, have my shot of Ionix – which I expected to taste absolutely terrible but it is surprisingly nice – and have a shake for breakfast. Easy and simple. Morning tea I usually have some tuna on rice crackers, my various nutritional supplements which include a women’s multivitamin and an anti-aging blend. Lunch I’ll have a salad or a salad sandwich with chicken/beef on it. Afternoon tea I’ll have half a bar (because if I only have half at a time they last longer!) and then dinner I have another shake and more vitamins.
You CAN switch around your meals so you have shake for breakfast and lunch the eat dinner, but you just need to be mindful of the calories and type of food you’re eating because you’re eating it all before you go to bed and it will just sit in your stomach.
How do I know?

Well, on my facebook page I said I had a blowout on what was meant to be my second cleanse day.
Silly me, went to a children’s party unprepared. I didn’t take my cleanse drink for lunch or any of the snacks you are given to eat during the day. So I figured I’d be okay, I was hungry so I had a small grilled chicken skewer. And then cake. And then some lollies. And then a friend from Sydney turned up at our house and my sister took the kids for the whole night and a promise to bring them home after LUNCH the next day. And we got pizza. It was proper Italian pizza made with lots of fresh ingredients but it was definitely not on my cleanse list :/ …and then maybe some icecream. But seriously it was Baskin and robin’s Love Potion and how can you say no to it?!

I told Carmen this and she knew what I meant. I told her I was going to sit down and work out my diary so I can fit in two more cleanses before the month is up, but I’ll plan them on daycare days because I feel that will be easier. She agreed and said that is when she organises hers for, too.
It’s so lovely having someone to talk to who actually knows what it’s like trying to organise life around children. She is so supportive it’s not even funny.

I can definitely say that even after just a week I am more awake during the day, not relying on OR craving coffee, although I do miss the taste of it. I feel better and more calm in myself, more capable.

I have been asked a bit about how much it costs and how you organise it and all that jazz, so if you talk to Carmen, she can help you with that. There is a money back guarantee for the end of the 30 days so if you don’t like it or it’s not for you, you’re not wasting any money. Her details are:

Carmen Rumsey 
Mobile: 0437 551 111
Email:
carmen@love2cleanse.com 
Skype Name:  love2cleanse
You can find her on Facebook as well at Mummy to Millionaire

She definitely won’t bite. She isn’t even pushy (which is refreshing!) She just wants ot help people be their healthiest self, which I can relate to.

Find my first blog about it HERE