My Dream Children

 

 

I dream of children. Twins.

They are not ours right now. They are still waiting. Waiting for the right time to come to us. The kids are a bit older. Dex is in that awkward preteen age. Lola is in school.

They are fraternal twins. A boy and a girl.

Something happens.

They are born between 28 – 32 weeks.

They are tiny. So tiny.

They tell me she is a fighter.She is doing well.

We call her Augie.

In my dreams, we have never given our little boy a name.

Maybe, he doesn’t have one yet.

When we get to take her home, he is not ready to come home. He is still fighting.

But he is still alive.

He is still ours too.

I’m not sure if we get to ever bring him home. I have never dreamt any more than this. Sometimes, I dream snippets of kangaroo care cuddles. Of first feeds. Of tiny hands through humidicrib windows. I dream of being unsure. Of being restless.

I’m not sure when these babies will be given to us.

I’m not sure that they will ever be given to us. Maybe they are not ours in this lifetime.

Maybe, when the gods or the goddess’ or the earth decides we are ready, they will come.

Maybe when our babies decide they are ready, they will come. Because really, no one is ever ready for the change a child brings.

 

I understand a lot of people might find this hard to take.

A dream of babies? Means nothing.

But it does to me. I know in my heart of hearts, they are ours.

I can feel them. How they are meant to be inside of me.

I feel them waiting.

I will feel them in my arms, one day.

>Done like a dinner.

>

I’m completely over it.
I feel like crying.
I want to know this is going somewhere.
I’ve been having contractions for approximately 30 hours now.
No plug has been seen.
Yesterday at 4pm the hospital told me I was 1cm dialated and in early labour. To go home and wait it out.
I’ve slept almost 7 hours last night. And here they are this mornign.
I’ve napped this afternoon – about 2 hours. And here they still are.
But are they going anywhere?!?!
Everything I’ve been reading says yes it IS going somewhere because they SEEM to be getting stronger.
But maybe that’s just my brain tricking me so I don’t completely flip?
I just want her out. Because I’m sick of the pain and the inconvenience (of the contractions – not being pregnant) and I’m sick of having no tolerance for Dex and it’s all just not fair.

>Soon

>She’s coming soon.
I know it.
I can feel it.
I feel calm and excited and prepared.
I feel like Dexter is ready to be a big brother.
I’m ready to meet this little person who will change my life, just like her brother did.
I’m ready to learn new things.
I’m ready to laugh. And to cry. And to be immensly proud. And frustrated.
I know there will be times I’ll feel lost and I know that’s ok.

I’m ready.

>Still here

>Had my reflexology yesterday.

Still here today, a bit more achey than usual.

Had my 36 week check today – at which the Dr refused to do an internal to see how everything is going, because if I am starting to dialate, an internal would possibly kick things into gear.

Fine Mr Dr. I’ll do it myself.

I’m not entirely sure what I was expecting – to walk out of the massage therapist’s shop and have my waters break. I’m not THAT silly. But I was hoping I’d have more than just a few niggles. In saying that though, a few niggles is a lot more than I DID have. So who knows.

Guess all I can do is wait. I hate waiting. Never was my forte.

I did get to see her today though – the Doctor did a scan instead of the doppler. Yay =]

>Birthing Unit Flash Cards

>

As I recently mentioned – my mum, my sister and my partner will be in the room with me during my labour. My sister Maddi was in there last time. She knows the drill. My partner Pat was in there last time. He too, knows the drill.

(Maddi’s part being she’s the one who helps me, wipes my face, distracts me from contractions, Pat’s part being giving me his hand and being wise enough to say nothing when I almost break his fingers).

My mum will be there this time too. Now don’t get me wrong. My mum is a wonderful woman. I’ve always been able to talk to her about anything. I have always been very honest with her. Which is why I’m making her birthing unit flash cards.

You see – she’s had five children. Yes, FIVE. So she’s a bit of a veteran of childbirth. She also has a tendency to not think before she speaks. So to help her out. And me, I have created:

Things You Can’t Say To Me (will get you kicked out)

  • Oh stop complaining, I’ve done it five times
  • You’re hurting me
  • you got it in there, you gotta get it out
  • you’ve done it before
  • it’s not that bad.
  • you don’t need the drugs
  • shut up and push
  • can I watch her head come out?

Things you CAN say to me

  • you are doing wonderfully
  • I am so proud of you
  • not long now
  • what do you need?

Luckily, my mum has a great sense of humour and thinks these are hilarious.

What were your birthing unit rules?

 

>So the plan goes…

> Dex showing you all where the baby is. If all goes to plan, this time in two weeks I’m going to be holding my little girl in my arms.

Or at least well on my way to holding her in my arms.

Which is scary. Exciting. Thrilling. Nerve wracking. So many things in my “plan” could go wrong. It could completely not work.

I could go in for observation next week and they could tell me I’m not allowed to go home.

I could go for my reflexology only to have my body decide not to respond.

I could go to my reflexology and have it not happen as quickly as I planned it would, to go to my doctors appointment the next day and tell me they are inducing me.

I COULD go on and on about the different scenarios that may happen. But I’m not going to.

Instead, I’m going to say: When i go into labour, my sister Maddi, my mum Fiona and my partner Pat will be there with me to support me. My mum knows she will be kicked out if she says certain things to me (another blog topic entirely). My sister knows what to do as she was there for my first. And Pat – well he was good at making me laugh.

My little sister Michellie will be looking after Dex. My Dad will (hopefully) be looking after the Bowling Alley (check their website HERE).

I am well aware they may want to give me an epidural again because of my blood pressure. When I had Dex, I only had the initial blocker and that worked well. I plan on explaining this to them.

I am well aware I may feel like I need the gas again. And I am not opposed to this.

No one is going to give me a medal for having no pain relief. So I do not need to try and be a hero about it.

In the same token, if I don’t feel I need/want it – I’m not going to have it just because it’s there. I WOULD like to not have the gas – it was a weird feeling.

I think this time around I feel a lot more prepared. Prepared because I’m going to actively try and go into labour early, so I can experience it. I’m more calm about it. Dex’s labour was 3.5 hours of confusion, not knowing what was happening or why and unsureness of what I was doing. I never had a chance to come to terms with the fact I was having a BABY – I couldn’t get past the birth.

This time, I’m ready. Bring it on. I have wonderful support people. I have a realistic view. I have a gorgeous son who proves to me I’ve done it before, I can do it again.

(if anyone says these words to me in the labour ward – you’re out!)

>Pregnancy and it’s limitations

>There are things you expect pregnancy to limit you doing.
Roller derby, getting tattooed, fitting into clothes properly, the missionary position…

I didn’t really think it would affect my ability to budget, to support local businesses and to give my family the fresher food possible (I know Woolworths claims to be the Fresh Food People, but I’m sure it’s not fresher than the growers markets – sorry!). But it has.

I can’t do the markets any more, it’s too hot and I get dizzy, my heart beats fast and I get REALLY hot.
Which is disappointing. Not only do I like supporting these farmers, my wallet likes it too. I like it because I know it’s fresh and when I’m buying things, I know it’s available because it’s in season. My wallet likes it because the fruit and veg from the markets is a fraction of the price of the supermarke variety. But I guess beggars (or those with blood pressure issues) can’t be choosers.

On the bright side, we got a meat delivery. It costs us $85 for 10kg of meat. And it’s good cuts. In that we get roasts, steaks, mince… Lots of things. Makes it 1) Easier for me – the gentleman delivers it and brings it right into my kitchen. 2) cheaper for me and 3) better for me, because all the meat is raised by them on their farm and butchered by them. The family is into it’s 4th generaton of butchers or something like that!

So, back to the Pregnancy side of things.
I’ve decided that I’m going to get massage/reflexology on my ankles at 36 weeks in hopes of inducing labour. I know that you all might think I’m a little crazy, BUT I was induced with Dex at 37 1/2 weeks. We’re only having two kids. My blood pressure is up high already. I want to experience going into labour naturally, if it’s possible. I don’t think that’s unreasonable.

I’m sick of not being able to walk properly, because every step sends shooting pains down my back and across my pelvis. I’m sick of not being able to sleep properly. Or eat properly. Or shower properly!
I can’t cuddle Dex or play with him like he deserves. We have a shower together every morning and every night. it’s our down time. our quiet time together. Water – showers in particular, really mellow him out. He likes to just climb onto my lap and cuddle me. It’s getting to the point where this is almost physically impossible and I miss it.

I know a lot of things will change when this little doll comes along, but my shower cuddles are one thing I’m going to cling on to…