5 Years – Smiles, Tears, Babies And Everything Else.

Five years tattoodaddy and I have been together.
Which occurs three days after our eldest turned four.

We were together for 4 months before we fell pregnant.

It is safe to say, I have learned a lot over the past 5 years.

I have grown as a person, as a mother, as a lover.
He has grown as a person, as a father, as a lover.
We have both grown as friends.

We separated for a little while early last year.
He wasn’t happy. And funnily, I didn’t know how unhappy I was until I looked at it.
Until he had the courage to admit it.

I am happier now.
And so is he.
We are both more open and more honest.
We look after ourselves a lot better.
We don’t seek permission to do things.
We have our own lives outside of what we have.

That being said – he is one of my best friends.
I love spending time with him. I miss being able to spend more time with him.
I love how he gets when he loves something – a game, a strategy, new music – I love listening to him talking about it.
I love watching him work because he is so methodical.
I love how he writes lists even though sometimes it drives me crazy.
I love in the mornings when he rolls over and pulls me closer for a cuddle before the second alarm goes off.

I don’t know what to say.
How do I sum up the way I feel?

I love you seems the only adequate words, but at the same time – so inadequate.

I’m grateful.
I’m glad.
I’m happy.

We’re lucky.

I don’t mind that you didn’t get me a present (which I know you won’t have because you hate buying them because you think you’re terrible at it and you just don’t like spending money that doesn’t need to be spent) and I don’t mind that you pretend to forget about it whenever I mention it and you ask me what’s so special about a Wednesday because I know you remember. And I know you love me.

Announcement

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So… I got a new ring…

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It was all very romantic. We were lying in bed together, and I said “Hey, we should get engaged. We’d get to have a massive party and get lots of presents!” to which he replied “Okay.” Cue a shocked me, saying “Really? Are you serious?” And he asked if I was. I said Yes and he said “Well, so am I.”
I asked “But you don’t want to get married?” at which point he said “Well, not right now. I’m naked and that would be pretty awkward.”
And I said “Seriously?”
And he replied “Let’s do it.”

 

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Now, we’re having conversations of when we get married… I had resigned myself to never getting married. I even wrote a post about it. 
Yet here we are. Planning a party.

 

Sacrifice for the Relationship

The hardest part of relationships is knowing that you are sacrificing something.
Obviously, it is worth the sacrifice. If it wasn’t you wouldn’t do it.
You would move on, safe in the knowledge of the limits you’ll go to, to keep that particular hope or dream alive.

But when it is worth the sacrifice, it’s tough.
Even though you know you’d be missing out a thousand times over if you decided to leave the person you’re willing to make the sacrifice for, you still feel like you’re losing out, which is where I’m at now.

I love tattoodaddy.
I don’t want to spend my life with anyone else. And I have entertained the idea.
Especially on our “break”. It is easy to fantasize about new relationships when you’re alone at night.
But it always came back to him and it still does. We’ve fallen back into old life and I like the way we are.
We are a little more thoughtful of each other than before. There are more kind words. More “How are you?”s. More caring.

But still there is something little I am missing.
As the time goes on, more I’m getting used to it.
More I’m not feeling like I’m missing something and accepting this is how it will be and being truly ok with it.
Although when I see dresses and flowers and hairstyles. Romantic kisses and rings on fingers. Sometimes, sometimes – I get a pang of longing.
You see

Tattoodaddy doesn’t want to get married.

There was a time when that would have been a dealbreaker. My parents have been married for 25 years this year. I was brought up in a family full of love who yes, fought (sometimes a lot) but they worked things out. They pushed through and here they are now.
He comes from a totally different scenario. And it’s no fault of his own (obviously) and I don’t blame his parents either. I can’t imagine his parents being together now as they just wouldn’t be happy. And an unhappy marriage is the worst thing for a child. His father has remarried and his mother has a wonderful partner.
But in saying that. His parents didn’t get married until he was 11. They are now divorced. Both sets of grandparents are divorced. He just has no faith in marriage. And he has no religious beliefs that compel him to put a ring on my finger and so, we will stay as we are.

Sometimes we talk about it. Make plans. He says “If it happens” or “maybe one day” and I can deal with that. If it happens, it will be amazing. If it doesn’t we have a wonderful relationship. With two beautiful children and I’m so grateful for that.

My biggest thing now, is changing the children’s last names. I want to hyphenate their name. If we were to get married, I would hyphenate my name. It’s something we used to argue a lot about, tattoodaddy and I. For people who have never really planned on getting married, we sure did argue a lot about what it would be and what would happen. He never wanted me to lose my name, because to him my name is a part of me, a part of the person he fell in love with. To me, him saying that just hurt. I didn’t understand what he meant. But after our break I do. And I do like who I am and I don’t want to change my name.
I would hyphenate it and so, I want to hyphenate the children’s names too.
This way, if we don’t get married, they have both of our last names – at the moment they only have tattoodaddy’s. And if we do get married one day, they’ll have the same as me.

It’s one of those things on the list to do when we have enough money to do it (the name change). One day it will happen.

One day.

I Don’t Know.

I hate these words.

I don’t know.

If you’re staying here, does that mean we are together?
I don’t know.
Don’t know what you want or don’t know what I want?
I don’t know.

What is going on?
I don’t know.

they are the most annoying, frustrating words in history I think.
I am sick of the amount of times I have heard them.

Yet I am saying them too. Constantly it feels.
What’s going on?
I don’t know.
How’s it all going?
I don’t know.
Where’s it all going?
I don’t know.

He looks happier..?
I don’t know.

Why are we expected to know, anyway?
I realise we have children and we require some level of stability for them, but they have that. They are happy.
I’m sure that they have not even realised anything has happened. After all, Daddy is still here, still in the same bed.

So please, ask “How are you?” not How is it going.
Because I know how I am.
I’m good. I’m stronger than I thought I was.
I’m enjoying my children because they start full-time care so I can do Uni to pursue my dreams.
I’m enjoying my new weight loss and treating myself to clothes without guilt.
I’m letting go of my need for control.
I am starting to believe in myself and look after myself.
I am getting into Steampunk and it is so much fun.

So please.
Ask me this question instead, I can answer it a lot more accurately and it is a much more satisfying question to answer.

 

 

But god, I miss the way he said I love you…

Everyone says it, but you never really listen

It’s nothing major that I miss the most.

I mean yes I miss being wanted. But it’s much more than that.

It’s definitely the little things.

Notice, the next time you spend time with your significant other.
A hand, ran along the shoulder as you walk by.
Resting on your hips to guide you out of the way instead of just asking you to move.
Sitting lightly on your thigh when you’re driving.
Even just brushing against someone – not being so conscious of there being a distance between you.

Being able to kiss someone goodbye.
Being able to kiss someone, just because.
Being able to do something nice for someone…rub their neck, whatever.Because there doesn’t need to be a distance.

Them climbing into bed and feeling a kiss on the neck when you’re half asleep.
Just affection and the closeness that comes from it.
That is what I miss the most.
Those little touches.

That and the way he said “I love you”

Is it called giving up if there is nothing to give up on?

I just don’t know anymore.
I feel like the reason that I have to move on with my life
Is the same reason that I am scared too.

What comes next?
Seriously, can anyone tell me?
What now?

Do people ever fall back in love with each other?
Is it possible to convince someone they were wrong?
You never fell out of love.

How long do I wait?
How long is long enough?
Is it just space and time?
Like everything… Just space and time?
Is there really space if we’re both still here?
Just still here because you want, or because there’s nowhere else to be?
I don’t want to be the last resort.

I don’t want to be out of guilt.
I don’t want to be out of obligation or duty.
I don’t want to be because you *should*
I want to be because of love.

Will I never not be “on guard” again?
Will I never worry that I’m going to get my heart broken again?
Why?

Where is it all going?
What is the point?

No, I don’t think I should be harder because why potentially drive someone away?
I don’t have the heart to be harder.
Is pretending to not feel anything a self coping mechanism?
Is it more damaging than beneficial?

It is all so close yet so, so far.
And all I want is to be wanted and loved.
I never thought it was more complicated than that.
Obviously I am naive.

Do you miss it?
What are you thinking?
Are you still awake too?
Does it hurt you too?
Are you really ok?
Say something other than ok. Please, just give me something.

Just cuddle me.
YOU reach out.
I don’t want to always be reaching.

This is why I can’t sleep at night.

These aren’t questions that I expect to have answered.
They are, however, questions that I need to let go of in order to hopefully get a full night sleep.