No One Asks About Me

It sounds very selfish I know.
But with so much going on it would be nice if someone asked how I’m going.
And actually wanted an honest answer not just “Yeah alright thanks”.
It feels like every time someone asks me something lately it’s for something or about someone else.
I get to my parents house after they’ve been with Dex all day and Dad yells at him about something – telling him he’s intentionally standing on Lola’s doll to break it – and I cut in with no he isn’t trying to break it he just likes the feeling of things beneath his feet and doesn’t register what it is and I get interrupted and told “no he’s been good all day just let us do this.”

Because what the fuck would I know.
I’m not the one being woken up all night.
I’m not the one that is going to have to go hours and hours of therapy disguised as play.
I’m not the one who’s going to have to force my child to do things he isn’t going to like doing because eventually it will increase his self esteem.
I’m not the one with the child who comes home and tells me that his friends don’t love him.
I’m not the one with the son who tells me his body feels alive when it’s hurting.

What would I know?
Because I’m definitely not exhausted.
I’m definitely not having a major time adjusting to working 30+ hours a week and running a family.
I’m definitely not up until 12:30am every night just trying to get all the shit done.
I’m not the one who’s freaking out about being without a car for the entire month of February because apparently pretty much rebuilding a car (new boot, bonnet, roof, turrets, bumper bar, dent removal and complete respray) is cheaper than writing it off.
I’m not the one who is sick at the moment and freezing and my eyes are burning and my throat hurts and my head feels like it’s about to explode.
I’m not the one who asks for just a little bit of fucking help but it might interfere with something.

I can’t put them into childcare until I know I get the manager’s position.
I feel like I can’t do a lot of things right now and no one fucking cares.
Just tell me what to do and how to parent.
Tell me how I feel and what I’m thinking.
Tell me it will be fine and I’m overreacting.
Roll your eyes and say “Oh jessica” when I actually get the shits.

Why the hell not.
It’s not like everything has changed.

Pee Tests And Ultrasounds

No.
No it’s not what you think.
No baby.
I had my period 2 weeks ago (and before your say but that doesn’t mean you’re not pregnant, I know a girl who went through her entire pregnancy without knowing, went to the hospital with suspected  appendicitis and they were all “well, you’re 10cm – start pushing! So I know it happens).
I peed on a stick.  Negative.
I went to the Dr’s and peed in a jar and that was negative.

And now I’m on a position of nausea, vomiting and cramping pains in my lower abdomen/between my hips for about 4 weeks now.
Sometimes it’s a dull ache, sometimes it’s a stabbing pain that makes me feel ill.
It’s not a uti/bladder infection, he checked that too.

I had blood test done – always interesting taking a 2 year old and a 4 year old along in a blood test – what’s that? Why? What’s she doing now? How many more bloods does she need?

And I have a request for an ultrasound.
Which says “urgent”.
And an order from him to come straight in after my appointment for the ultrasound and not worry about an appointment with him, just tell the staff that I need to see him and he will see me.
He doesn’t think it is an ovarian cyst because I would have been in more pain when he was pressing my stomach.

I’m not quite sure when that leaves me, other than awake after midnight worrying about tomorrow.

Motivation Monday – Love Yourself

Today’s Motivation Monday has a different turn.
the most important thing in life is to love yourself.
If you don’t love yourself, you won’t allow others to love you.
You will sabotage opportunities for good thing sin your life because subconsciously, you won’t believe you deserve it.

Love YOURSELF.

You’re the only you that you will ever have.

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I’m Going to Fill You In On a Little Secret!

An inspiring post from my sister

I'm not perfect, I'm me!

Since posting my progress photo on Facebook I have had a few people message me saying ‘Wow you are looking great, what’s your secret?’ or ‘what do you use to motivate you?’
Now, I am certainly the type of person who likes to help and motivate others. But I truly believe that if you can’t motivate yourself you aren’t going to get the results you want and if you do they certainly wont last.

What motivates me is the changes I see not only in my body, but in my health and fitness. My life in general is better. I make better choices and I am happier. I have more energy and more confidence. Inspiring others to change their lives motivates me.

Now, for the secret…

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That is it. My secret to success.
I work hard. I go to the gym six days a week, work my ass off for…

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Announcement

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So… I got a new ring…

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It was all very romantic. We were lying in bed together, and I said “Hey, we should get engaged. We’d get to have a massive party and get lots of presents!” to which he replied “Okay.” Cue a shocked me, saying “Really? Are you serious?” And he asked if I was. I said Yes and he said “Well, so am I.”
I asked “But you don’t want to get married?” at which point he said “Well, not right now. I’m naked and that would be pretty awkward.”
And I said “Seriously?”
And he replied “Let’s do it.”

 

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Now, we’re having conversations of when we get married… I had resigned myself to never getting married. I even wrote a post about it. 
Yet here we are. Planning a party.